Confidence, Friendship, Boundaries, & Breathwork
When to speak up and when to walk away
Having the courage to work on yourself takes vulnerability and strength. Personal development is about recognizing that you have faults, challenges, and blind spots that you are ready to tackle. This opens you up to experience so much more inner peace, but it goes hand-in-hand with setting boundaries, evaluating friendships, and finding the confidence to know you’re worth enough to keep showing up for yourself.
As someone who is always working on herself, breathwork has continually been my anchor, even before I knew that’s what I was doing.
Breathwork has helped me heal in so many ways. But for me, the key factor in keeping steady in my breath practice is emotional regulation. As someone who’s been told her entire life that she was too sensitive, I had to make the leap from a cowering people pleaser to a confident individual. Along my journey, I picked up that my discomfort was more acceptable and appreciated than making those around me feel uncomfortable. I was taught to be nice as many young girls are, and with good intent. Unfortunately, this led me down a path that didn’t serve me.
Then I started utilizing my breath to…
- Stand up for myself
- Be okay with my strong emotions
- Allow others to witness me
- Show up for conversations that make me feel vulnerable
- Regulate and understand where my emotions were coming from
This is a constant journey.
The demons inside my head that tell me I’m not enough or am unworthy like to surprise me from time to time. Old stagnant thoughts that haven’t quite got the message that I’ve changed, tip-toe in for coffee and remind me I still have work to do.
This week was one of those weeks.
The clearer I become on my truth, the easier these moments are to recognize, but I still find myself falling into old habits and very often it happens with those I am closest to.
A dear friend of mine is very assertive. She speaks with the kind of confidence that I have only dreamed of. It’s beautiful. I like to surround myself with strong women because I have much to learn from these wise heroines. But this week, this wise, assertive, confident friend brought out that hidden part of me that I have been working so hard to mask. And instead of standing up for myself, and for my needs, I allowed her to railroad me, and the anger festered and grew. This old version of me was passively bubbling with resentment as I felt my breath close into my chest, and move into my throat. If any words had come out they would have been emotional, biased, and reactionary.
I needed to step away to find my breath.
So I did.
I stepped away. I was curt. I closed down. I took time to breathe, and I evaluated what I was actually feeling.
I took my time as I resisted the urge to brush it off, to say it was okay. After all, I could recognize that this was a test from the universe to see if I’d been doing my homework, checking in to see if I was practicing what I preach.
So I breathed. I contemplated. I discovered that my anger had nothing to do with my friend and everything to do with me.
I discovered the scared, self-conscious 15-year-old within me who would rather keep quiet than risk upsetting a friend. I saw the younger version of me who had gotten used to ridicule from classmates, not wanting to speak up but instead hiding in the back of the class with a hat on, hoping not to be seen. Desperately looking for any way out of a situation that might involve a confrontation.
Like anyone else I’ve lost friends who I thought would be by my side forever and it was this wound that came rushing to the surface. It was this fear that if I spoke my mind I would lose another friend. Because what I have discovered is as I grow, as I become more confident to speak my truth and stand up for myself, I lose people –People who prefer the old version of me. I didn’t want that to happen.
I sat with my breath for 4 days, ignoring texts and calls and check-ins because I wasn’t ready to talk. I needed time.
I love this person so I gave myself space to calm down and clear my head. I considered my own actions. I remembered that friendship is an equal partnership. And then I made the call.
I stood up for myself. I spoke my truth. I didn’t attack, I addressed my feelings and pointed out the incident that brought it up. I let it be uncomfortable, and I ended the conversation.
I was able to exhale. I felt tension leave my body, and I remembered that healthy relationships require uncomfortable conversations.
This messiness will become a blip in our friendship, but I am 100% certain that it will help us both to communicate more clearly going forward.
Like all disagreements, after being addressed, they can seem silly, trite, and unnecessary. We are all figuring it out, and it’s valuable to recognize when evaluation should be considered.
If you’re on a path to growth, you know exactly what I mean.
Whatever your challenges are you can be certain they will continue to knock at your door in the most inopportune times to see if the old story still holds power over your peace. Know this and the easier it becomes to sit with the demon while it drinks its coffee before you show them out the door.
